lonepack

High Functioning yet Dysfunctional

Some of the worst times for me was when I was 17 and felt extremely confused and left out about what I was feeling. The world seemed too big and too heavy on my shoulders and I was feeling downright miserable. My anxiety skyrocketed to the point where it manifested as physical pains and I was pretty sure that there had to be a name to call out to all the helplessness and sadness I was feeling. But I was very young and unexposed to the world of mental health, so as any other person would do, I took to Google. I put in all the things I was feeling and thought that I’d arrive at some sort of an idea as to what was going on with me. None of the people around me looked like they were suffering like I did and I didn’t have the courage to talk to it to my parents. But then my confusion increased manifold as I stared at the screen; all my signs led to Depression but I fit none of the “symptoms”. I wasn’t losing appetite, my sleep pattern didn’t change drastically yet I knew I was feeling miserable. And this prompted me to start doing more research into what I was feeling and if anyone else out there was feeling the same as I yet didn’t fit into the box of “depression and anxiety symptoms”. And a revelation was made; High-Functioning Disorders.

Let me digress for a bit. You see, the students and working professionals that make a majority of people who take their lives seem to fit a certain profile. Most of them were academically well off and seemed to have a normal relationship with their friends and family. No visible symptoms of depression or anxiety could be visibly seen and they didn’t look any different, their daily activities weren’t affected in any way, and all of them seemed normal and as they would every other day. Their suicides came as a big, unpredictable blow to their friends and family since to them, literally, nothing pointed to their loved one suffering from any kind of mental health issues or, so they thought.

This observation or the lack of it reveals a darker truth. Most of us aren’t aware of a class of disorders that has now become to be known as “high-functioning” disorders. It is a recent development in the field of psychology and one that has come in a much-needed time.

For those who don’t know what they are, High-functioning disorders are the same as any other mental health disorder that one may suffer from but possess a darker trait, they do not affect your daily life. Psychologists are more worried about the people who suffer from this class of disorders since they are extremely difficult to diagnose. People with high-functioning versions of disorders such as anxiety and depression will not seem any different from a person without the disorders, superficially. They will continue with their normal lives as if nothing affects them at all, their body and brain cope very well with their conditions and as a result, their work and academic lives remain undisturbed. They’re social and active, all smiles and whatnot but on the inside, they’re still suffering and unable reach out to anyone.

[Image source: Betterhelp]

For someone who is suffering and looks to the internet first to arrive at some kind of a self-diagnosis, it really doesn’t help when none of the mental health disorders’ so-called “symptoms” fit them. Not many articles relating to these high functioning forms of disorders are present even on the internet, which is one of, if not the largest communicative space globally. And hence understandably, not much awareness is present with regard to these issues.

However, people, one by one, are now coming forward to share their experiences with high-functioning disorders. This is an article written by a woman who suffers from High-Functioning Anxiety and Depression – https://themighty.com/2017/11/high-functioning-anxiety-depression-looks-like/

If you are suffering from not being the best version of yourself and doubt that it could be anxiety or depression or any other issues but experience none of the visible giveaways, do consult a psychologist.

It is never easy to battle these on your own and you shouldn’t either. The world is here to listen and to help. And if you doubt that one of your loved ones is suffering but do not know what to do since they do seem normal to everyone else, sit them down and talk to them. Ask them if they’re doing okay and if not, tell them that you’re there to help them get through this.

Everyone needs a hand sometimes. You could end up saving a life from further suffering because of the lack of awareness. Do your bit and spread the word.

Living a life where every moment is filled with suspicion and doubt – A review of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid Personality Disorder(PPD) belongs to the class of Personality Disorders. Paranoia involves extreme levels of distrust and suspicion. People with this personality disorder may be hypersensitive, easily insulted, and habitually relate to the world by vigilant scanning of the environment for clues or suggestions that may validate their fears or biases. They are eager observers and they think they are in danger and look for signs and threats of that danger, potentially not appreciating other evidence. Some other common recurrent beliefs include beliefs that someone is plotting against them, they are being watched closely, everyone is conspiring against them among others.

Following is a case study of a Paranoid patient:

A woman believed, without cause, that her neighbours were harassing her by allowing their young children to make loud noise outside her apartment door. Rather than asking the neighbours to be more considerate, she stopped speaking to them and began a campaign of unceasingly antagonistic behaviour: giving them “dirty looks,” pushing past them aggressively in the hallway, slamming doors, and behaving rudely toward their visitors. After over a year had passed, when the neighbours finally confronted her about her behaviour, she accused them of purposely harassing her. “Everyone knows that these doors are paper thin,” she said, “and that I can hear everything that goes on in the hallway. You are doing it deliberately.” Nothing that the neighbours said could convince her otherwise. Despite their attempts to be more considerate about the noise outside her apartment, she continued to behave in a rude and aggressive manner toward them. Neighbours and visitors commented that the woman appeared tense and angry. Her face looked like a hard mask. She was rarely seen smiling and she walked around the neighbourhood wearing dark sunglasses, even on cloudy days. She was often seen yelling at her children, behaviour that had earned her the nickname “the screamer” among the parents at her children’s school. She had forced her children to change schools several times within the same district because she was dissatisfied with the education they were receiving. An unstated reason, perhaps, was that she had alienated so many other parents. She worked at home during the day at a job that required her to have little contact with other people. She had few social contacts, and in conversation was often perceived to be sarcastic and hypercritical.

ppd1

[Image Courtesy: https://infograph.venngage.com/p/63184/paranoid-personality-disorder]

According to the DSM-V, PPD is characterized by a pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. To qualify for a diagnosis, the patient must meet at least four out of the following criteria:

Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving them.
Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.
Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against them.
Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events.
Persistently bears grudges (i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights).
Perceives attacks on their character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.
Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner.

Many of these symptoms are clearly reflected in the case study.

PPD first emerged as a cluster of symptoms for Schizophrenia. It was in 1921, that Kraepelin first proposed three distinct presentations of paranoia that resembled the diagnosis of schizophrenia, delusional disorder, and paranoid personality disorder. However, for a very long time, PPD was considered only as a cluster of symptoms for schizophrenia. Paranoid personality disorder first appeared in the DSM-III in 1980. The major problem facing the study of this disorder was the initial neglect of the scientists. Secondly, not many patients would agree to participate in research studies. Yet, in reality, PPD is a severe, relatively common clinical problem that is difficult to treat. Fortunately, our understanding of PPD has improved as research has accrued.

But the question is, why is PPD important? One of the major reasons is because PPD heavily dictates the adverse outcomes in the treatment of personality disordered patients. Persons with PPD, when not disabled, stop working earlier than non-personality disordered individuals. In clinical populations, it is one of the strongest predictors of aggressive behaviour. PPD is also associated with violence and stalking as well as excessive litigation. It also has serious implications on the individual’s mental well-being often resulting in depression and has less likeability to be cured despite intense psychiatric treatment.

There are multiple risk factors involved in the development of PPD as no direct biological causations have been attributed. Childhood trauma has consistently been identified as a risk factor for PPD. Studies have shown that childhood emotional neglect predicted PPD symptom levels in adolescence and early adulthood. In adolescence, PPD has been cross-sectionally associated with elevated physical abuse in childhood and adolescence, but not sexual abuse. In a study of psychiatric adult outpatients, PPD was found associated with both sexual and physical abuse. Although these studies have focused on chronic trauma from caregivers, acute physical trauma in the form of childhood burn injury has also found to be a risk factor for adult PPD traits.

What can be some effective measures for treating PPD?

In a case report titled, “Paranoid Personality Disorder”, medics Amy Vyas and Madiha Khan have outlined certain major points with regards to treating PPD.

Because paranoid personality disorder patients are unlikely to seek or remain in psychiatric care, relevant treatments for this disorder have received less research relative to those of similarly prevalent personality disorders. Much of the published literature takes the form of case studies or case series. One such case report found cognitive analytic therapy to be an effective intervention, while another suggested that in the short-term, the use of antipsychotics(drugs) in patients with paranoid personality disorder was associated with improved prognosis. Cognitive therapy has been endorsed as a useful technique for the general psychiatrist. Recommended approaches to psychodynamic psychotherapy for these patients include working toward helping patients “shift their perceptions of the origin of their problems from an external locus to an internal one”, while maintaining special attention to the management of boundaries, maintenance of the therapeutic alliance, safety, and awareness of how the therapy may be integrated into the patient’s paranoid stance.

In conclusion, PPD is a serious mental illness that requires more and more fruitful research and in-depth understanding. No such biological or physiological causes have been found but several risks factors have been identified. With regards to treatment, there is a need for more effective intervention.

ppd2

[Image Courtesy: https://www.papermasters.com/paranoid-personality-disorder.html]

To know more about Paranoid Personality Disorder:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5793931/

References

[1]Lee R. (2017). Mistrustful and Misunderstood: A Review of Paranoid Personality Disorder. Current behavioral neuroscience reports, 4(2), 151–165. doi:10.1007/s40473-017-0116-7

[2]Paranoid personality disorder. (2019, March 11). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoid_personality_disorder#DSM-5

[3]Vyas, A., & Khan, M. (2017, May 16). Paranoid Personality Disorder. Retrieved from https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp-rj.2016.110103

Not Alone: Coming to terms with my Mental Health [Trigger Warning]

Trigger warning: skin peeling, mentions of self-harm, nightmares and grief

Think about this for a solid minute.

“You’re 16. What problems you’d possibly have to suffer depression?” ” You are simply over thinking” “You’ll get over it” “There’s no such thing as depression, it’s just a phase”.

Sound familiar?

You see, depression is a very personal feeling. I might be sitting right next to you, joking around about the memes you’ve shared with me or having a very deep conversation about life and the purpose of it or maybe just sitting there, hanging out with you and yet, you will have no idea of the things that go on inside my head.

For almost a year, I slept only around 3 AM. And even then, I would experience nightmares where this soul of mine would be pleading, crying my name out really loud in the darkness; most of the times in the middle thick dark woods. Walking with my friends in school, I’d feel like someone was choking me, trying to push me down and drown me. I used to hysterically cry and begin to laugh very loudly just like a baby, locking myself in my room. I’d cry all night, not knowing why.

This became worse when one night I became downright delirious, trying to make the pain go away, trying to hurt myself while also rubbing my chest to calm myself down. Physically, I had developed so much acne, a very irregular menstrual cycle and a weak immune system. And yes, I even periodically suffered strokes. I’d bite my lips, nails, keep peeling my skin.

What made me such a monster in my own eyes?

[Image source: Gemma Correll]

I’d say the fear of losing my identity that involves this image that I’ve built for myself. We are not perfect and we will never be. All of us have our own flaws and we learn and grow through our experiences in this journey of life. And it is necessary to go through these experiences in order to learn from them. But never be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

We all are very familiar with motivational quotes, “This too shall pass” “Love yourself” “I’m proud of you” do the rounds on social media all the time. But just saying them out loud isn’t enough. Start small, get help if you feel like you can’t make through this journey of acceptance alone. For me, the fact that I wake up ALIVE every morning, the fact that I’m able to still breathe and body is functioning, is something to be grateful for; granting me another day. The little things, the journey. I accepted.

After the longest time, I saw myself in the mirror and smiled for once.

The fact that I’ve been gifted time, ability to take another chance at people and perspectives made me understand that things will start working out, at least someday. Healing can NEVER happen overnight, it is a long road, it’s every single moment you live.

And slowly but surely, you will get better. In fact, it’ll be revolutionary when you wake up one day and can actually feel light enough to pull yourself out of your own bed. There will be struggles and relapses, but there will also be support and love and kindness.

Depression isn’t directly proportional to your age group. Depression doesn’t know numbers, doesn’t know care about your sexual orientation or your bank balance. Never ever feel shy to accept this, you’re no less of a human being you deserve to be equally loved.

YOU MATTER. There’s Absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of in acceptance.

More power to you.

Feeling Homesick In My Own Body

Imagine if there was a machine, that can alter the way you look according to your wish. How cool is that? Every time you see yourself in the mirror your brain mentally opens a tab creating a list of things you want altered. The list might want clear skin, thinner waist, perfect hair, sharp jawline, shaped muscles, toned abs and never really ends.

What if we were in control of how we look? Whom would we want to look like? Most likely, the actors, the models we see on magazine covers, the beauty bloggers on social media, essentially someone who isn’t us. In a world where self-worth is measured in the number of likes and comments present beneath the picture you upload online after an hour of corrections and filters, it is not really your fault if you seek validation, even though it is indeed only virtual.

Now, comparison. It is an immediate reaction, to compare yourself with something you seek to achieve to look like. Sometimes, it is to keep track of the process of you wanting to become like them and in other cases, it is to beat yourself up because you will never be able to look like them.

Am I good enough? Am I worthy? Do I feel secure about my body?

We are no strangers to these questions. Answer to this, however, is the same, Self-love. You were created by someone who created galaxies, moved mountains, made the sea kiss land as waves, diverse coexistence of all life forms thrives and every passing second, two million cells in your body die, to be regenerated. It is only foolish of you to think you are any less of a miracle.

Your hands, they have touched the rough edges of the shells you collected during your first trip to the beach, they have wiped your tears at 3 AM when you felt like giving up.

Your feet that you walked to the place holding your favourite memory.

Your eyes, have shown you the most beautiful things, the faces of people you love. From the first glimpse of your best friend after ages to the optical illusion puzzles, you see on the internet.

Your mouth that has said things to people and made them smile, feel loved.

Your belly that growled in the middle of a silent class making it awkward, how full it felt every time you did stress eating.

Your heart that broke for the first time, warm when your mom hugged you after a long day at work, or simply when you see a dog.

Your ears when you hear the song you finally find after not being able to stop humming its tune.

Self-love starts with gratitude, with affirmation. In simple words to be thankful to your body because it is functioning properly.

Beautiful is stretch marks, cellulite, zero thigh gap, flat stomach, tummy rolls, acne, uneven and thick eyebrows, pale skin, melanin, waist of any number on the scale, skinny legs, no hair, more hair. Beautiful is everything you are. Self-love is a dynamic and deeply rooted journey, but let us start with level one. With our bodies. Wake up and see yourself in the mirror without opening a tab inside for alterations. Thank your body, feed it, nurture it, love it.

Googling symptoms and believing you have a medical problem: A look into Hypochondria

Hypochondriasis is as covert and confounding as ever. Regarded as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) it is defined as “preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious disease, based on a misinterpretation of bodily symptoms or to put it simply, you know how you google a symptom you’ve been experiencing and suddenly everything leads to cancer?; a constant, uncontrollable paranoia of it is what hypochondria is.

Jeff Pearlman, a revered American sports writer accounted his experiences with hypochondria in his article for Psychology Today. Here is an excerpt of it:

“ I know I am dying, because, well, I just know. I’m certain of it. I can feel it.

That pain on the left side of my stomach still hasn’t gone away. It’s been there for eight or nine months now. The ultrasound came up negative. So did the CT scan, the MRI and the colonoscopy.

“It’s probably nothing,” said one doctor.

“You likely pulled a muscle,” said another.

“I’d ignore it,” advised a third.

They are wrong. I know they are wrong. So, with nowhere else to turn, I seek out reassurance. “What do you think my stomach pain is?” I ask. “Do you think I’m OK?”

Eyes roll. “You’re fine,” my father says. “You’re fine,” my mother says. “You’re fine,” my sister-in-law says.

“You’re 37 years old. You run marathons. You play basketball every Monday. You’ve never even broken a bone,” my wife says. “You’re fine.”

I don’t believe them. I can’t believe them. I refuse to believe them. I wish I could believe them.

This is what it is to be a hypochondriac—what it is to live a life too often based upon the raw, carnal fear of inevitable, forthcoming, around-the-bend death. Though I was only recently diagnosed with the disorder, it has plagued me for more than a decade. Over the past 10 years, I have been convinced that I am dying of (in no particular order): brain cancer, stomach cancer, pancreatic cancer, testicular cancer, lung cancer, neck cancer, Lyme disease. When one ailment is dismissed by doctors, I inevitably rush to the Internet to learn why they are wrong. What? I don’t have colon cancer? Then it must be….”

[Image Courtesy: https://www.instagram.com/crazyheadcomics/]

In general most of us are concerned with our health. Any small injury or physical pain becomes a source for our discomfort. With the rise of information availability on the internet, many of us have started the trend of self-diagnosing ourselves. “Self-diagnosing” is an increasing phenomenon wherein any small physical symptom will lead us to believe that we have a major health issue. However what sets hypochondria apart, is the constant fear of having or the idea that one has a disease. Hypochondriacs face clinically significant distress and may often feel a lack in social, occupational or other areas of functioning. Despite medical reassurances and multiple clinical diagnosis, such people continue be preoccupied with the disbelief of suffering from a serious illness.

Hypochondriasis is a serious condition which has more of a psychological basis than a physical one. Hypochondria can take a huge toll on an individual’s well-being and mental health as a preoccupation with the idea that one’s physical health is on the verge of constant deterioration can prove to be a major source of stress and anxiety.

“The brain is so powerful that it really can convince itself of illness,” says Caroline Goldmacher-Kern, a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. “You know something is wrong because you believe what you’re thinking, and what you’re thinking is what you perceive to be feeling. So you can have five people tell you it’s all in your mind and that’s not good enough.”

The basis for the symptoms of hypochondriasis lie mainly in the preoccupation with one’s health, primarily physical. Incidents like reading an article or hearing about a particular disease can lead to misinterpretation and cause hypochondriacal thoughts. The state with these symptoms is considered as a disorder when the concern of being healthy causes distress and overt clinical disorder.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition (DSM-4), some of the criteria for hypochondriasis are as follows:

Preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious disease based on the person’s misinterpretation of bodily symptoms.
The preoccupation persists despite appropriate medical evaluation and reassurance.
The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
The duration of the disturbance is at least 6 months.

[Image Courtesy: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/861383866206448155/]

Under the new 5th edition of DSM (DSM-5), hypochondriasis has been redefined as ‘Illness Anxiety Disorder’ which falls under the disorder class of ‘somatic symptoms and other related disorders’. Somatic symptom and related disorders are mental health disorders characterized by an intense focus on physical (somatic) symptoms that cause significant distress and/or interferes with daily functioning. Individuals with this condition may or may not have diagnosed medical conditions, but no serious disease is present in most cases. If a medical condition is present, the person displays anxiety around the illness that is clearly excessive. This new definition drops the idea of the fear of having a physical illness. It is rather the preoccupation with having or acquiring a serious illness.

The new definition focuses more on the anxiety surrounding the illness rather than the fear of it. People with illness anxiety disorder usually do not have physical symptoms, or if symptoms are present, they are mild. However, these mild symptoms may cause a great deal of anxiety. A doctor’s reassurance and even a complete medical evaluation often will not calm the person’s fears. Or, if it does calm them, other worries may emerge later.

To simplify the idea, illness anxiety disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD) to some extent, wherein the centre of obsessive behaviour is the idea or a thought of illness which causes people to compulsively do things to reduce the anxiety they feel due to this obsession. These activities include browsing for medical information, regularly visiting the doctor and so on.

The symptoms as per DSM-5 for illness anxiety disorder include:

Preoccupation with having or developing a serious illness
Absence of physical symptoms or, if present, symptoms are mild
Behaviour indicating health anxiety, such as checking for signs of illness
Easy alarm about medical problems; persistent fear despite medical reassurance
Overuse or underuse medical care.
Clinical distress or functional impairment
The patient has been preoccupied with illness for ≥ 6 months, although the specific illness feared may change during that time period.

Individuals with hypochondriasis and illness anxiety disorder are usually apprehensive of approaching a psychologist as they fear that people view the medical symptoms as “all in your head.” Nonetheless, a combination of support and care from the primary care doctor along with psychotherapy (when it is acceptable to the patient can be helpful. Another helpful procedure can be stress management. Learning how to cope with the stress of your health can result in significant benefits. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy(CBT), which is one of the most common form of therapies can help individuals realize what triggers their anxieties or fears with regards to their health and how it can be reduced through meaningful procedures. Nonetheless, hypochondriasis and illness anxiety disorder are still not considered to be serious mental health issues. Many people spend their entire lives not knowing they had such mental health problems. They fear that “it’s all in your head” would be frequently used to ignore their concerns. Awareness and changes in the perception towards such illness can prove to be beneficial to the well-being of all.

If you do think you are experiencing any of these symptoms, then do not hesitate in reaching out for help. There are solutions available and you are not alone in facing this and rightly shouldn’t be.

[Image Courtesy: https://m.imgur.com/gallery/mp2qoTh]

To know more about Illness Anxiety Disorder and its treatment, read the following articles:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/illness-anxiety-disorder-a-to-z

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/conditions/illness-anxiety-disorder

To know more about Hypochondria, read the following articles:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201001/hypochondria-the-impossible-illness

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/life-after-50/201703/hypochondria

References:

[1] Pearlman, J. (2010, January 1). Hypochondria: The Impossible Illness. Psychology Today. Retrieved May 9, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201001/hypochondria-the-impossible-illness

[2]Harvard Health Publishing. (2019, March). Illness Anxiety Disorder. Retrieved May 9, 2019, from https://www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/illness-anxiety-disorder-a-to-z

[3]Bidaki, R., Mahmoudi, M., Khalili, B., Abedi, M., Golabbakhsh, A., Haghshenas, A., … Mirhosseini, S. M. (2015). Mismanagement of a hypochondriacal patient. Advanced biomedical research, 4, 24. Retrieved May 9, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4333438/

Of Songs and Anxiety

Sometimes, words fail me.

Allow me to digress for a bit. I love words and I love writing, that is the best way I communicate how I’m feeling and it makes the most comfortable medium for me to get my thoughts out. I dabble a lot in poetry and particularly love expressing spectrums of emotions and articulating them the right way to convey exactly what I want to, to people. However, when the same words sometimes don’t really fit together, don’t really weave themselves into what I want them to, what I want people to understand from them, all I’m left with is this frustrating pit of annoyance and helplessness with myself that I’ve somehow failed. And, for me, most of the time, these conversations happen to be on mental health. People don’t understand unless you communicate well, that much I’ve learnt. But what use is it if you can’t get what has been bothering you in your head, out? How do you make people take a look at all the swirling thoughts in your head and somehow hope that they’d understand what you’re feeling?

So, I suppose sometimes, words seem to fail me.

Or maybe I’ve yet to learn how to place them correctly.

Most of the frustrating moments for anyone battling mental health issues come with trying to make the person they’re talking to understand what they’re feeling. And what people have to realise is that it’s hard, incredibly hard to talk about it, to start a conversation. There will never be a right way to start, a right way to manoeuvre through the feelings and all that comes out is stuttered words spit out after being tongue-tied for so long. And then there is that small sliver of hope. Hope that they understand, that the other person makes sense of the words, to relate, to empathise. And if the other person has dealt with the same or any other of the same sorts, then they will get it and it takes a big weight off of your shoulders. But when they don’t, all you are left with is this feeling of inadequacy and embarrassment and crushed hope.

We’ve all been there.

So then the question becomes, how do we communicate better? Better yet, how do we make people understand?

I’ve dealt with anxiety for quite a while. And I’ve dealt with trying to make people understand why I’m not all that comfortable being around too many new people, with starting conversations, with making small talk with barely known acquaintances, with why I cancel out on plans quite often. But they don’t understand most of the time. I hope they did try to but I don’t blame them for not “getting it”. Humans are creatures of habit, anything we don’t relate to, we don’t really try too much to understand. But it becomes overwhelming when everyone around me seems to be fine and normal while I’m always freefalling with my stomach in knots and my heart in my mouth even at the mere mention of social interaction or any other thing that might trigger my anxiety. And after every unsuccessful attempt at making others understand, I’m always left with the parting thought of “Why can’t anyone just tell me it’s okay and just let me be” And then I just shut up, giving up to ever try making the oblivious listen.

However, there are people who get it, on the internet. So many support groups and forums are on the rise and I see so many other struggling with the same issues relating to each other’s experiences and finding relief in each other. It’s a big leap and one that is much needed yet while it’s comforting to find people who finally know what you feel like and are going through, the bigger picture still remains blurry.

Coming to the main point of discussion, during one of my late night YouTube surfing fun-time, I came across this new song that Julia Michaels had put out. I like her and decided why not take a listen. [Again, the way that music has helped me get through some of my worst days can form another piece on its own]. The song was titled “Anxiety” and I thought, alright then, I’m intrigued, let’s see where this goes. But to be very honest, after the song ended, for the first time ever, I felt like words in my head finally found their place.

It was a very honest, open and vulnerable song on what having anxiety feels like. Suddenly, there I was, sending the song to some who I had tried to explain my anxiety to, getting excited that they would finally understand. And I hope they did or at least I think they know better now. Anxiety can take many shapes and forms and is different to all people. This song might not relate to your anxiety but it is a start. And suddenly there I was wondering how much of a gap music can bridge if more songs were to come out openly talking about people’s experiences with mental health issues and emotions. Don’t get me wrong, there are wonderful artists and bands that are already trying to do the same, I’m a fan of a lot of them yet there is this invisible glass barrier that has to be overcome still to start a dialogue about mental health. Music is a great way to start conversations and nothing would make me happier than to see music and words come together to help people understand the said swirling thoughts that people can’t bring to explain properly by themselves. There is so much potential to help people and I really hope that more artists come out to create incredible music like this and more importantly, that more people are accepting of them.

Every dialogue starts only when the silence breaks. So why not have fun while we’re at it?

Let me know what songs helped you during your hardest days and take a look at the song by the wonderful Julia Michaels as well.

Anxiety- Julia Michaels ft. Selena Gomez.

New Year Resolution: I chose to be happy.

You deserve to be happy because you are alive. You were built to use happiness as a tool to assess the world that surrounds you. It’s in your genes, in your nature, in the way that you have functioned. Happiness is at the core of our experiences – it is as incomprehensible to deny ourselves the feeling as it is to deny ourselves the experience of eating or sleeping or breathing. We are human beings and happiness is a vital part of our survival/living.

This time last year, I wasn’t sure who I was or what I was capable of being. I was unsure of how things were going to turn out, was lost and thoughtless. I kept looking for ways to outlive negativity, to hold myself tight, to keep fighting, to never give up and to rise. I was desperate; but patient.

Last year, I let go of a lot of things. I let go of the person who I thought was the one for me. I let go of the things that never really belonged with me, held me down and pushed me into the dark. I let go of the pessimism that was brewing in me day in and out and the anxiety and paranoia that devoured me wholly.

I realized how busy I was fixing my invisible crown which was always at the hands of those I needed approval from.

But, here I am now, stable and no longer hanging off the edge. I can’t assure that this is permanent, but I am going to work on making it one because I believe everything can change and it’s only a matter of time. I believe in the universe and Law of Attraction; what you give is what you receive. I am now fixated on staying positive throughout, negating pessimism, staying low-key, working on myself, not letting my thoughts overcrowd my mind at difficult situations and above all, staying sane with sanctitude.

Now I try to explore different arenas, learn from my past experiences and grow into a new individual. It is also quite exhilarating to wonder what challenges you can run into each day.

I remind myself of this everyday:

Strive to be the best version of yourself, even if you have to lose certain qualities.
Strive to make the people you love happy, even if you disappoint them from time to time.
Strive to achieve what challenges you for the purpose of growing.

Love yourself first.

-Kirthana Ravi

Bipolar Disorder

The American Psychiatric Association describes Bipolar Disorder as “… brain disorders that cause changes in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function. People with bipolar disorders have extreme and intense emotional states that occur at distinct times, called mood episodes. These mood episodes are categorized as manic, hypomanic or depressive.”

A friend of mine suffering from Bipolar Disorder describes it like this, “If Depression is a dark tunnel, Bipolar Disorder is a rollercoaster which takes you deep inside this tunnel and out of it, over and over again.” As a bystander, it was always an enigma as to what she might be going through. Each Day was a different experience in itself.

Her diagnosis came as a surprise. It was during a low phase in her life when her father, who was a Psychiatrist by profession, broke the news to her. It was almost like it broke her. Her father was as helpless looking at his daughter’s condition as she was in her depression.

Bipolar disorder
• Formerly known as manic depression, it is a condition that affects moods, which can swing from depression to mania
• Symptoms range from overwhelming feelings of worthlessness to feeling very happy and having lots of ambitious plans and ideas
• Each extreme episode can last several weeks
• Treatment includes mood stabilisers which are to be taken every day on a long-term basis, combined with talking therapy and lifestyle changes
Source: NHS

The medicines prescribed for a condition like this are called mood stabilizers. When you’re ecstatic, they lower your mood and when you’re deep in depression, they lift you up. The latter sounds like a good idea, making you feel better when you’re in a state of depression, but when you’re ecstatic why would you want to suppress ?

Well, it’s because if you don’t take your medicines when you’re happy, they don’t work when you’re sad. Sounds complicated right? Imagine dealing with this every single day and convincing yourself that that medication is important for you. And that’s not even the main problem. You wake up every morning not knowing how you’re going to feel. You only wish for the mania to last but all good things come to an end and so do your happy days. One day you’re on cloud nine – all smiles, extremely productive and enthusiastic and the very next day, the light seems to fade away, you lose your will to get out of bed and who once seemed like an extremely positive person turns into negative and introverted shunning everything.

I saw my friend during her highs and I saw her during her lows. It was almost like she was a different person in a matter of weeks. As well-wishers, we always encouraged her to take her medicines but a certain question of hers always intrigued me – “If I need medicines to be normal then is it truly my normal?”

Bipolar Disorder is not when your mood changes each day, it occurs in phases i.e. a gradual process where each stage seems to be stable for a while before shifting. The two extreme phases i.e. mania and depression could last several weeks or a few months before the shift happens and when it does, you get absorbed in it. Doctors do say that between the two extremes, comes a time which can be stated to be emotionally balanced but one cannot seem to decide when that happens. By the end of the day, you are left in an emotional turmoil, indeterminate and confused.

Problems like these made me appreciate what it feels like to be mentally healthy and appreciate my mental health more. When we feel low, we might ignore it for a really long time but there comes a point where it is okay to accept that there may be something wrong and seek help. Trust me, running away from something like this is not the better option.

It is difficult to comprehend what people having Bipolar disorder go through. That is why it is important to listen to their experiences. Let us look at one such young woman diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and how she is spreading awareness about her condition through art.

Missy Douglas and Bipolar Disorder
Missy Douglas was first diagnosed as bipolar aged 19 when she was studying art history at the University of Cambridge. She said it finally joined the dots as to why she often felt withdrawn and melancholic, or precocious and arrogant.

Fed up with keeping her mental health a secret,she spent a year creating a painting each day to express her feelings. Controversially, she decided not to take her medication during this time, in the hope that paintings demonstrating her highs and lows would raise awareness of her condition. The following are some of the paintings from her collection.

Day 177. “I was really in a dark place here. I was completely in a depressive phase.”

Day 236. “I was burying feelings and my emotions were all over the place. Very turbulent.”

Day 242. “I was at the height of mania here, but there was a massive wave of white depression heading towards me.”

Day 314 – Mania. “I was buzzing and everything was technicolor and beautiful. I was flying and felt invincible.”

Day 359 – Christmas Day 2013. “I was feeling very depressed yet I completely compartmentalised and concealed it. The twinkly forced jollity hid the sadness.”

Day 5. “I was really anxious, angry and feeling trapped.”

In 2009 Doughlas left the UK and established her own fine art studio and art school in Brussels. Two years later she headed to New York and now spends her time immersed in the creative scenes of Long Island, Queens and further afield in Seattle.

Image and information source

– Shristi

What it’s like living with depression

When I tell people for the first time that I’m depressed, people ask me the one question that, to this day, stumps me, makes me feel like I just pulled my tongue out of the freezer: ‘why’.

Now, this question is not entirely strange; depression is a product of many things-from death of a family member, to divorce, to a messy breakup in romantic relationships, perpetual negative reinforcement from parents and society to a bajillion other things- can cause it. But there’s often an expectation that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move the fuck on.

The real horror starts when, you don’t.

Failure is a part of life. Courtesy: osmanpek/Getty Images/iStockphoto

So I’m currently awaiting to determine how severe it is by a professional psychiatrist but I’ve come to understand that I’ve had depression for about eight months now. I can still function fairly normally and do most things expected of me. I can go to college and hold conversations, engage in a classroom and ask the teacher doubts, hold a decent CGPA and, if asked, have a ready answer about what I really want to do with my life.

Under most circumstances, there is no problem but, if you’d indulge me in a little bit of a cheesy sales pitch,

‘Would you want to wake up every day to want nothing more than to just go back to sleep for good? Would you like to feel tired for doing nothing and want nothing more to just have a sharp object so you can kill yourself?’

‘Then, boy oh boy I have the product for you its: depression!’

Depression is not just sadness. It is waking up every day with a heart full of pain for no discernible reason. It’s in the way happiness dies on our face because we are smiling to hide it from those who probably wouldn’t help anyway. It’s constantly, despite your best efforts, feeling completely and utterly useless and that, if you could die tomorrow, no one will give a shit. It’s being unable to feel anything if you can’t feel pain. No joy, no anger, no sadness just, the numb, emotional equivalent of TV static.

When nothing seems to matter. Courtesy: Elite Daily

Touching back on the pain, it’s the kind that feels like you are being eaten from the inside. That makes you a husk that simply cannot be filled. If it goes on long enough, it feels like you could go mad from it. Yet, all of this is discredited when unable to answer the simple question ‘why?’

When I quip and say I didn’t do it, throwing out how it’s possible that the death of three of my grandparents when I was in 12^th affected me deeper than I ever let it, most retorts I get include ‘But they were old no?’ or ‘But that was years ago right? Why are you letting that affect you now?’ To this day, I have no idea why I have depression. It’s not something one chooses to have. As I said before, several things could trigger depression and it could manifest itself in many different ways.

To this day, I thought about killing myself several times. I looked at methods from hanging myself, to running a razor across my wrists, to starving myself; the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to make my family unhappy I never attempted suicide yet. But I know I could if things go on like this.

To say that depression isn’t real is like saying one’s emotions aren’t real. Sure, many can’t see them or feel them but they are there. I’m sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable. Or reminds you of feelings that you’d rather forget about but I am telling you how I feel because I think no one deserves to suffer in silence.

After all, silence is where the demons lie.

Courtesy: https://claudiathewolfgirl.deviantart.com/

– Siva

LonePack Letters 2018 – We are back !

The wails of suffering emanating from mental health concerns have lasted for ages, yet society has failed to recognize the importance of recognizing mental health issues as a primary health concern and to establish a fantastic infrastructure for treating it. With time, the prevalence of such concerns have only exacerbated.

Thus, in 2016, a group of passionate youngsters formed LonePack, a non-profit aimed at combating this very phenomenon. Since then, LonePack has worked tirelessly to raise awareness about mental health issues using a community driven approach, surrounding their motto, “ Shatter the Stigma”. They have been able to do this by working on a set of driven, passionate campaigns, the magnum opus of which was Lonepack Letters in 2017. This year, it is returning to positively affect a larger scale of lives, and hopefully carry on the good fight.

Lonepack Letters is a campaign based on a couple of principles. The first is the effect of positive dominoes. The positive domino multiplication standard in modern psychology tends to examine the fact that a general positive reaction to anything during any given time of the day only spreads it, with the effects often multiplying in magnitude down the chain. Lonepack Letters involve handing out anonymous positive letters to strangers when they least expect it, reading which brings a smile to your face. That starts a chain of positivity, the success of which has a very high probability. One of the finest ways for everyone to combat mental health is to face positivity. Merry, at its finest, is the unstoppable force denying to accept denial from the rule of any riddle but that of law. And to initialize happiness which only grows in magnitude in a domino effect serves the very purpose of Lonepack Letters. Ease the human mind, combat mental health issues and bring a smile in the process.

LonePack Letters featured in article in the Times of India

The second principle serves as a bigger backbone for Lonepack Letters. Awareness. Every Lonepack Letters envelope comes with the actual letter, along with a formal single page documentation about Lonepack and Lonepack letters, what purpose the campaign serves and how Lonepack wishes the person reading to be more aware about mental health concerns and keep spreading positivity. Not only does this allow people to know about Lonepack and potentially be a part of campaigns further down the line, but also know more about mental health concerns, understanding that they are legitimate issues and needs to be treated the same way. All of this aids in removing the ignorance of larger society about the aforementioned issues, and are steps in the direction of shattering the stigma existing around mental health in modern society.

In 2017, Lonepack Letters was conducted in Chennai. We collaborated with various institutions, events and establishments in the city, including DAV Group of schools, Sathyam Cinemas, Ciclo Cafe, SRM MUN, SSN College’s Instincts as part of this campaign which allowed us to reach over 6000 people. The feedback that we received was overwhelming and our campaign was covered by various news outlets, including The New Indian Express and The Times of India..

LonePack Letters Distribution at VIT Chennai

In 2018, we intend to increase the effect of Lonepack Letters by increasing the scope of the campaign, collaborating with major companies, more educational enterprises and conducting the campaign in multiple major cities along with Chennai. Lonepack letters is our humble attempt to kick-start a pursuit of happiness while also removing the ignorance surrounding mental health issues. We hope to realize our vision, and succeed at the same.

Soumyajyoti Bhattacharya