Tag Archives: suicide

The Survivor’s Guide to Life

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of Suicide, Self-harm, Depression, Anxiety

My first attempt at taking my life happened when I was 13; I took 26 sleeping pills, two for each year I had existed uselessly.

Now, which part of the above sentence strikes you the most, dear reader? The fact that it was a suicide attempt, or that it implies that I had many others, or that I was a mere teenager when I first attempted? Or maybe you’re wondering why a 13-year-old felt the (repeated) need to try and kill herself?

I don’t think there even exists a valid answer to your question. Peer pressure? Bullying? Misunderstandings on the side of my family/society/friends? Fear of the future? Hormones? Depression? Even now, almost a decade later, I couldn’t tell you if it was any of these things individually or all of them combined, which made me swallow those pills on that fateful Thursday in early May. 

Oh yes, I remember the month, day, date, and even what I was wearing when I attempted. I remember that it had been raining. I remember wondering, hoping, as I held the bottle of pills in my hand, if my pain would be washed away and if I would arise anew in another world, just like the earth rises clean and fresh after every shower. I remember giving the afterlife; heaven and hell and all the mythological stories my dad used to narrate to me about punishments, a fleeting thought as I lay in bed drowsy and half-conscious. I remember murmuring a ‘Sorry’ to my mom, for hers was the last face I saw in my head (or was it in reality?) before the darkness pulled me under.

Unfortunately, having been blessed with an eidetic memory means that I have the capacity to recall even the things I don’t want to, in perfect clarity.

I recall briefly regaining consciousness in the ICU as they pumped my stomach. I recall looking down at my own pool of sickness and thinking, ‘Oh crap, I failed.’ I recall waking up much later in a normal ward, gazing up at the disappointed and worried faces of my family. 

And later, I recall the weeks of tense silence that followed me as my family skirted around the issue. I recall searching for a Band-aid one day to find that the whole medicine cabinet in my house had been wiped clean. I recall being paranoid about seeing if my guilt followed me around like a shadow. And I recall shattering the long mirror in my bedroom one day, because I just couldn’t look at myself. 

Some say that suicide is a coward’s way out because only people who don’t have the courage to face reality and the challenges of life take the apparently easy way out. Well, having survived multiple suicide attempts and having learned something from each of them, I’m here to tell you otherwise. 

It takes an extraordinary amount of determination to make the decision to end your life, and an exponentiated amount more to continue to live after a failed attempt. There’s tonnes of research and psychoanalyses pondering the question of why people consider suicide at all, so I won’t delve into that now. Let’s look, instead, at a group of people that society treats as pariahs – the survivors. 

You would think that if someone comes back from the cusp of death, their near and dear ones would celebrate them, molly-coddle them and never let them out of their sight, right? Unfortunately, that’s not what happens in most situations. 

Most survivors’ second lives (I like to think of them as being born a new person) are filled with awkward silences, misunderstandings, and lots and lots of heartbreaks. Our very normal and perfect society views them as abnormal and imperfect, making the survivors regret and start to hate their second lives, more so than their first. 

My situation was very similar. In the months following my attempt, I found myself more confused and lonely than I had been in my entire life. 

My family was walking on eggshells around me; talking to me only when necessary, I wasn’t allowed to go out socially anywhere, not even with a chaperone, not even to meet my only friend at that time, I was asked to lie to everyone that I had taken time off from school because of a stomach ache, and the list went on. So how did I deal with this?

I went into self-destruct mode. 

But then, after numerous cuts, burns, popping painkillers, and a night where I spent hours and hours throwing down countless bottles of alcoholic cocktails (don’t worry, I was no longer underage) which made me end up in the hospital (again) with (another) pumped stomach, it all ended.

How, you ask?

It’s no great miracle; it’s something you see happen to everyone you pass on the streets, probably. It happened to me, too, when I was 21. 

Love, the destroyer of lives. Which actually ended up redeeming mine. 

Yes, reader, I fell in love. Madly, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love with probably the most understanding, caring, and loving being in the entire universe. 

Coco. 

He was my entire universe. 

Coco, my savior, friend, and the best therapist one could ask for!

Within four seconds of seeing him, he had me floored (and I mean literally, with my back on the floor, with him licking me furiously). However, redemption is not as easy as falling in love. It is a long, difficult, (mentally and physically) exhausting road filled with more thorns than roses. Which is probably why, come to think of it, one of the only two ways to destroy a Horcrux (to the non-Potterhead, it is an object of dark magic where a witch or wizard hides a piece of his or her soul) is to seek redemption for your deeds (the other one being stabbing it with something that has Basilisk venom; at this point, I would highly recommend everyone just pick up a copy of Harry Potter). 

After what seemed like endless visits to therapists and psychiatrists, heart-to-heart discussions with my family, and many, many tears, I learned to deal with it all. 

Oh, no, I wasn’t fine all of a sudden, far from it. All the panic attacks and the depression and the self-harming tendencies and the suicidal ideation (yeah, my latest therapist has an extensive vocabulary) didn’t go away. They were very much there. I just learned to deal with them in a healthier way. 

For example, Therapist #2 introduced me to the wonderful world of bullet journaling. It was a really calming activity, especially for someone like me who used to have a creative streak before all this went down. Therapist #3 taught me mindfulness and grounding techniques and ways to deal with the urge to self-harm. While I don’t really appreciate all of them, some of them, like the 54321 exercise or even simply holding an ice cube in my hand, really work for me at desperate times. 

So what am I trying to say through this (ridiculously long and depressing) rant?

That it’s okay to spiral into self-destruction as long as you come out of it? Of course not.

That love makes everything perfect? Definitely not; perfection doesn’t exist.

That people shouldn’t be stigmatized for attempting suicide? Well, yes, but that’s beside the point. 

Then what is the point, you ask?

It is this; the night is darkest just before dawn. 

Okay, I might have just recited a quote from Batman: The Dark Knight, but let me elaborate. 

I’m not saying everything will be peachy at some point in your life, that all the trauma you suffered will fly away as though it were never there. In fact, I’m saying quite the opposite; there will be the ‘Bad Days’, there will be the days you would want to punch the smiles out of everyone’s faces (the ‘Fudge-You Days’), and then there will be the days when you would feel as though the world isn’t ending (the ‘Okayyy Days’).

I’m saying, trudge through the bad and the worse and try to live for a better day. 

Because that’s all anyone can really do in life – try.

Mindfulness Techniques to Fight Self Harm

Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm, depression, suicide

Self-harm is a taboo topic, even in today’s world of acceptance of Pride and no prejudices. When we hear that someone self-harms, 70% of the time, the first reaction we’d have is one of horror. Not even disbelief, pity or anything else, just plain horror, followed by a poor attempt to empathize. Very few of us try to help the person out, mainly because we don’t understand what they’re going through. But that’s just our conditioning. We’ve been taught to avoid that which makes us uncomfortable and go with the crowd. It’s time to have a breakthrough. 

What is self-harm?

Self-harm or self-injury means hurting oneself intentionally. Self-harm is not a mental health illness in itself. Rather, it displays an inability of the person affected to cope with a certain illness, most often something like bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. 

To the people who self-harm: know this. You are not going through this alone. Self-harm is not something you have to live with all your life, and there are loads of people to narrate their experiences and support you. You need only reach out to seek help.

Why do people self-harm?

There is no scientific answer to this. Some people say they do it to relieve stress. Some others say they do it because the physical pain is better than the mental pain. It is a sign of great emotional distress, and the person is often engulfed by feelings of shame, frustration, guilt, and pain. Some common reasons that people reported include:

  • Relapse from alcohol or drug use
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Low self-esteem
  • Peer pressure
  • Bullying
  • Family issues

But there is no weakness in asking for help. In fact, it takes great courage to open up and talk about your feelings. If you do feel overwhelmed by these negative feelings, please, reach out to someone. 

Who are the people most prone to self-harm?

Though self harm is something that can affect anyone, this practice is most commonly found in young adults and adolescents, starting especially from one’s teenage years. People from unstable homes or those who have experienced trauma, neglect, and/or abuse in their early lives are also prone to self-harm. 

If you are a loved one of a person who self-harms, it is important to note that self-harm is not a cry of help or a demand for attention. But this does not mean that people who self-harm don’t need care and compassion. When someone opens up about their pain, chances are that it’s not your opinion they seek; it’s your acceptance. A simple smile goes a long way!

How can we fight the urge to self-harm?

While there are no tablets or tonics for it, psychologists and therapists all over the world do commonly recommend some grounding techniques and on-the-spot hacks that can help a person relieve their urge to self-harm.

Some of the most popular grounding techniques prescribed by therapists are:

  1. Progressive Muscle Relaxation:  This is a very simple deep-relaxation technique prescribed to reduce anxiety, stress, insomnia, and many other illnesses. Here is how it works:

While inhaling, clench/contract one type of muscle in your body. For example, your biceps, for 5-10 seconds, and then when you exhale, unclench it. After relaxing for 10 seconds, move on to another group of muscles, and repeat the same. 

TIP: Try to visualize the contraction and releasing of tension of the muscles in your body, so that it adds more focus to the activity. Also try visualizing all the stress and pain leaving your body with each release of tension. That helps a lot!

  1. 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: This is an interesting alternative focus technique. Look around your surroundings and answer the following questions:
  • What are 5 things you see (in a particular colour)?
  • What are 4 things you feel?
  • What are 3 things you hear?
  • What are 2 things you smell?
  • What is 1 thing you taste?

Other informal mindfulness/grounding techniques you can try include:

  1. Mental Grounding exercises: 

i) Describe an everyday activity, like brushing your teeth, in detail, to yourself
ii) Try to think of as many things in one category, like dogs or plants or musicians, as you can! Tests your knowledge, too.
iii) Count 1 to 100, but spell out the alphabets. O…N…E, T…W…O, etc.

  1. Physical Grounding exercises:

i) Run warm or cool water down the place where you usually self-harm
ii) Alternatively, try to hold an ice cube in your hand for as long as you can
iii) Jump up and down

You can also carry a grounding object with you, a small pen, a rock, a ring, a marble…anything you can touch and take comfort from when you feel frustrated or anxious or stressed. As with the Progressive Muscle Relaxation technique, you can also visualize your object drawing the negative energy away from you, in order for it to be more effective!


Do you feel like you have no one who listens to you? Do you want someone to vent to? Talk to a LonePack Buddy today!

The Silent Crisis

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

 

There is no right way to begin talking about something like this. And that is exactly why it should be talked about; because conversations surrounding mental health issues are uncomfortable, need vulnerability and most importantly take a damning amount of courage. 

You see, the fight against the stigmas surrounding mental health dialogue and creating awareness about mental health issues is an everyday push-and-pull. India has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. There are days when the world seems receptive to conversations, seems accepting of mental health issues, but some days just go on to show just how much of an uphill battle it actually is. LonePack was started with the very purpose to fight to start getting people to talk about mental health and to normalise mental health issues and their treatment. But it is absolutely gutting to see so much insensitivity and dismissal that still shadows mental health. It makes you think just what does one need to do to tell the world that they need help? And this is essentially what it is – this is the heartbreaking yet sobering reality that millions who are battling their own demons face every single day. 

If you scream out for help with everything you have but no one listens, you forget how to speak with time. 

It is high time everyone joins the battle against de-stigmatising mental health. It is not a taboo, it is a crisis. And it is time that the world starts recognising that. 

To bring to attention a few things that need visibility, especially now.

 

  • Be extremely careful of the words you use. It is very easy to throw words out there that in reality can deeply affect and trigger someone who is battling mental health issues. Be very sensitive to the content you share on social media. Be mindful of your language and educate yourself on the proper way to address those who reach out to you for help or talk to you about their mental health. Here are a few resources that you can refer to

Ten Commandments for How to Talk About Mental Health

Mental illnesses: Terms to use. Terms to avoid.

  • Do not misuse hashtags on social media. The aim as a collective is to bring attention to the issues surrounding open dialogue on mental health. It is not to be taken lightly and not to be used as an exploitative tool for any sort of personal of professional gain. 
  • Talking is definitely  a great first step but if you wish to open yourself up as a listener to those who need it, do keep in mind the accountability and responsibility that come with it. It is not to be taken lightly. You have to provide a non-judgemental, safe and inclusive environment for people to talk to while taking care of your own mental health. Here is a document that outlines some of the do’s and don’ts of being a listener https://lonepack.org/blog/index.php/2020/06/15/talking-to-someone-who-is-suicidal/. Again, let it be known that it is not an easy task. Instead, gently guide them to professional help and resources.
  • Please, please be kind. Battling mental health issues is not easy in any sense. Mental health is often romanticized as being quirky, moody, or anti-social and its portrayal in media is only now slowly changing. It is not pretty, it is not cute, it is not an adjective in any sense. It is raw, it is messy, it is uncomfortable, and it is wrenching. Be kind to those around you. 
  • The road to recovery is long and winding. Be patient. Anyone who has battled or is battling mental health issues can attest to the fact that recovery is not simple, it is not easy and it is not linear nor definitive. It is not a switch that you can flip and consider yourself to be “cured”. It is an everyday battle and every single, small step taken towards getting better counts.  Please be patient and understanding. 
  • Reach out. Mental health issues are silent. Those who are battling them might not feel ready or comfortable or safe to talk about it. The stigma surrounding mental health issues has made it incredibly difficult for those who battle mental health issues to come out and talk about them. And most often than not, they are driven to believe that they are alone in their battles. It is important to let them know that they aren’t and offer unyielding support. Reach out and check in on people with kindness and gentleness. 
  • Educate. Both yourself and those around you. Use your platform, no matter how small, to spread awareness by sharing proper established sources of correct information. This is one of the most important things to do if change is to be brought. Here are a few resources to check out.

Mental disorders

Health Topics

 

It feels unreal when someone who battles mental health issues gives up on it. That is someone’s friend, sibling, parent, partner, colleague but most importantly a genuine human being. Life is not to be taken lightly. Empathy and understanding is often dismissed when addressing issues such as this in the press and on social media. It is sickening to see the way a person’s life is turned into a mockery of sense in the wake of their death. And it has to stop. They are more than their achievements, they are more than what we see. There are so many who need help and are unable to have access to it. It is up to us to become allies and fight against the stigma. Fight for changes at the grassroots levels. Fight to normalise mental health issues and its treatments. If not now, then when will change happen? How many more lives do we have to lose to see change? Do your bit in helping. Here are a few ways you can be a strong ally

  • An audiovisual representation of what does it mean to be an ally 

–How to be a mental health ally

–NAMI Infographic – Helping Others Along the Road

To reiterate, mental health right now is not a taboo but a crisis. We need change and we need it right now. 

Talking to someone who is suicidal

Talking about suicide is never easy. 

While you might want to help, it is important to first ensure that you are comfortable talking about it; if you’re not, it is bound to reflect in the conversation. If talking about suicide makes you feel uneasy, then it’s a good time for you to reflect and ask yourself why. Is the fear of saying the “wrong thing” stopping you? Then hopefully this document can serve as a comprehensive starting point. Beyond this, it is also suggested to read testimonials of survivors, to truly understand what it means to feel suicidal.

What pushes someone over the edge?

The thought of suicide is a consequence of feeling like there is no other option – that there is no other way out other than ending one’s life. It may sometimes come from a place of loneliness, a place of punishment, guilt and even pain.

Know that talking about suicidal thoughts rather than keeping it inside is a positive sign, because it means that the person is reaching out for help. They are reaching out for someone who can understand their pain. And reaching out always means that there is hope.

Hence when someone mentions that they feel suicidal, do not go into panic mode. Although it is completely natural for us to have this “default reaction”, understand that staying calm will help you think more clearly and to be actively present. If we equip ourselves with proper awareness and knowledge to deal with the situation, then we can trust ourselves to be better at providing support. Remember, all we need to do is to be there for the person on the other side. Because, that is all THEY need. But what does “being there” mean? It means to actively, whole-heartedly and truthfully pay attention to the person and to take them seriously.

Let us remember that contrary to the popular notion that talking about suicide can increase its risk, if the topic is addressed in a sensitive manner, it can encourage an individual to share their experiences and feelings.

Here are some myths and facts about suicide –

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/myths-about-suicide/

 

Assessing the level of risk

Assess the immediacy of acting on a suicidal thought. Does the person have a weapon nearby and can they end their life immediately (extreme risk)? Or are they calm and just talking about their suicidal thoughts as a way to share and reflect (mild risk)?

In the case of the former, understand that this extreme risk is driven by an intense feeling that “everything is too much to handle”. So try to lower the intensity of this feeling. Some de-escalation phrases are discussed below (re: Pt. 8 of “What should you say”). Engage the person in conversation, even if it is about the suicidal thought itself (given they want to speak about it; refer pt. 4 of “What should you say” below). Just keep the conversation going. And, when appropriate, calmly insert a suicide helpline.

In the latter case of mild risk, while the person shares these thoughts, please refrain from trying to “solve” or “fix” the problems causing those thoughts or an immediate attempt to “lighten” the mood. These efforts, although well-intentioned, may stagnate conversation. Pay attention to what the person needs through actively listening to them.

What does it mean to actively listen? It involves:

  • Not trying to talk the person out of their thoughts or feelings.
  • Not professing to understand a story that is not yet known.
  • Not offering superficial reassurance.
  • Not problem-solving.
  • Not giving advice.

In some situations, it is helpful to plan a buffer – a “safety plan”, in case the person contemplates attempting suicide again. This is essentially a plan of action which consists of identifying one’s triggers (for increased awareness) and devising a set of internal and external coping strategies that can be used when needed. This plan enables them to have more control of the situation.

Please read more into this so that you can learn and maybe coordinate making such a plan with the person. 

Here are some links to read up more on what a “Safety Plan” is:

https://www.suicideinfo.ca/resource/safety-plans/

http://suicidesafetyplan.com/uploads/SAFETY_PLAN_form_8.21.12.pdf

https://www.nasmhpd.org/sites/default/files/SAMHSA%20SPI%20SMI%20PPT%20final_2.pdf

 

Safety plan template : https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SafetyPlan.pdf 

What should you not say?

These are not meant to be a strict set of rules but rather guidelines that should be kept in mind while conversing with a person who is at risk.

 

  • “Suicide is selfish/Think about what your family and friends will go through” – This just adds on to the guilt that the person is feeling because they already think they’re a burden. And in their distressed condition, they may feel that they would be freeing their friends/ family of this burden. How to use empathy here? Understand that it is normal for anyone in excruciating pain to just want to escape. Haven’t we all experienced being in pain and just wanting it to go away? Think about those times and try to grasp the pain the person is going through.

 

  • “Suicide is cowardly”– This statement does nothing but add shame. It does not help the situation but instead can make the person feel judged and cornered.

 

  • “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” – Often out of panic, we might say this to the person, but it can be really dismissive and invalidating of the person’s experience. At ANY circumstance, it’s always better to believe someone is suicidal rather than dismiss it, because even if there is a morsel of truth to it, taking the person seriously can avoid the danger.

 

  • “You have so much to live for”– Although in some cases, this might convey a sense of hope, it is important to remember that the top reason someone resorts to suicide is because they DON’T think they have anything to live for. In such cases, this can communicate a lack of understanding of their feelings and situation.

 

  • “Things could be worse”– Yes, things can be worse but pain cannot be compared. Pain is a SUBJECTIVE experience. Someone’s whole world can be crashing even if they are relatively “well-off’.

 

  • “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die”– True, but don’t you think the person has already considered this? Compared themselves and felt more shame and guilt that they couldn’t handle it while others could? In fact, this can make them feel like they’re broken or defective. Reality will then just seem like a sick joke.

 

  • “Your problems can be solved/Your problems are temporary”– Although some problems may be temporary, there also exists problems that can be long lasting and all we can do is learn to cope with them in a better way. This statement just shows a blatant assumption which again may push the person further away, making them feel like you don’t understand their situation.

 

Here’s a link to read more – https://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-suicidal-person/

If you feel you have already said something referring to those listed above, don’t panic. It’s okay. Just go back to the person and convey that you did not respond helpfully and apologise for it. Let them know that you want to understand better and that you will henceforth try your best to be a better listening ear, an ally, a buddy who will be there for them.

What should you say?

Please do not take this as a “script” to be followed word-by-word but try to grab the essence of what needs to be said. Also try to refrain from over-using the phrase “I understand” and instead use statements/ phrases that SHOW you understand. Ask yourself, “What can I say right now that will show the person that I understand what/how they feel and that I care about them?” The following statements are some examples for the same.

 

  • “I appreciate that you told me about your suicidal thoughts. This must’ve been so hard for you”– Acknowledge and appreciate the person for opening up. This will reinforce them to talk about it more and to also reach out more in the future.

 

  • “I’m sorry for all the pain and hurt that you are feeling. It must be eating you up inside to feel this way” – Use empathetic statements that show you understand how tiresome and burdening it can be to continue living with suicidal thoughts.

 

  • “I know you feel scared, but I’m right here and we can talk about this” – Reassure the person that you’re here with them- real time. That you will be there to virtually “hold their hand” through the whole process.

 

  • “If you’re comfortable talking about this, would you like to tell me what makes you want to die?” – Sometimes, talking about what makes one feel suicidal can serve to vent the frustration, increase engagement and help understand one’s triggers. Also keep in mind to use phrases such as “Are you okay with this?”, “Can we do this?”, “Are you comfortable with this?” to ensure that you are not pushing the person too much.

 

  • “What can I do to help/ make you feel safe?”– It is always better to ASK someone about their needs first, instead of assuming. If they reply with a “I don’t know”, reassure them that it’s okay and you both can figure this out together.

 

  • “It takes a lot of strength to decide to wake up and fight these painful thoughts everyday”– Acknowledge how difficult it is for someone who is suicidal to DECIDE (by using this word, you reinforce that they have a choice, that they can choose to live and work towards a better life) to continue living despite the difficulties they face.

 

  • “Sometimes we can feel trapped by our thoughts- like there’s no way out. But you are not your thoughts. It can seem hard but don’t let them limit you from reaching out and seeking more options” – Again, try reinforcing the idea that there are still options out there.

 

  • Some de-escalation phrases when they are threatening an attempt on chat- “I’m right here, although not physically, I’m listening and I’m here for you. We can take this one step at a time”. Ask them if they have anything that will cause them harm near them. If they respond with a yes, gently ask them if they can trust you and if they can listen to a small request. *Note: Emphasize on words/ phrases such as “small step”, “tiny request”, “just this one thing” because this makes what you ask sound achievable and is met with little resistance* Wait for their response and then ask them to put the instrument far away in a drawer or even under the mattress. Then gently try to calm them (if they are feeling overwhelmed) through grounding. 

Grounding is a technique that can be used to calm someone by increasing awareness of their senses – what they see, hear, smell and feel. This is also a great way to keep them engaged in conversation and to distract from the immediacy of a suicidal thought.

Once relatively de-escalated, you can ask them to lie down, drink some water or to eat something (mindfully pay attention to whether this is what they need) because the intensity of the emotions can make them feel tired and light-headed.

For more info on grounding and related exercises-

https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2015/08/20/tips-to-calm-anxiety

 

  • Follow up: Persistence is the key here. Dropping a message or giving them a call, can go a long way in reaching out to the individual. Even if you don’t talk on a regular basis, let the person know that you are there for them.

Highly recommend reading this article- https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/06/how-would-you-listen-to-a-person-on-the-roof/

If you’d like to read the original sources/ inspiration of the above article, kindly look at these links

What Would You Say to the Person on the Roof? A Suicide Prevention Text- https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/pdfplus/10.1521/suli.31.2.129.21509

How Would You Listen to the Person on the Roof? A Response to H. Omer and A. Elitzur- 

https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/pdf/10.1521/suli.31.2.140.21518

Hopefully, this helps you feel a bit more confident about responding to mentions of suicide! Please reach out at engage@lonepack.org if you’d like to share some feedback on this or if you’d like to suggest improvements!

Threads of a Noose

TRIGGER WARNING: Talks about teen suicide

If a picture speaks a thousand words,

Then, a million spoke the one I held.

Through shattered glass in battered frame,

Crystal to me, to others misspelled.

‘Mom!’, you say in exasperation,

For the hundredth time I compelled.

 

—————————————

 

Perhaps, I was too hard, suffocating,

Like all fathers but father no more…

But I thought I was giving you space,

To grow, find your feet, to soar.

I should have been there for you,

Should have knocked down that door.

 

—————————————

 

My face ashen, 

my fingers blue,

My knees are jelly,

I held onto you.

But they say, you’re no more,

Tell it ain’t true.

 

—————————————

 

Gather them, minutes slipped by,

Herd them to slaughter,

To where I am headed too.

Perhaps, I’ll go before, or after.

Details, perilous details, 

Not too long, no matter.

 

—————————————

Most people believe that children are not suicidal or get depressed. The above poem is inspired by the documentary, “Boy Interrupted” which solemnly captures the facts contrary to this belief. Here is the short description,

Evan Scott Perry received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder when he was a preteen, and in 2005, committed suicide at the age of 15. There was a family history of mental illness; his Uncle Scott had killed himself at 22 in 1971. Evan had first exhibited suicidal tendencies when he was only 5. Directed by his mother, filmmaker Dana Heinz Perry, the film traces Evan’s growing mental illness, including videotapes made throughout his short life and interviews with his friends and doctors.

The documentary captures the raw emotion that each of the family members went through. The inevitability of Evan’s suicide is apparent, yet we find ourselves rooting for him, just as his friends and family set their belief in his recovery. 

At one point, even the doctor is amazed at how Evan had built up the facade of sanity that concealed his ulterior motive of taking his life. This is an important example of how teens today have high functioning depression and often hide or even lie to close ones in the belief that they wouldn’t understand. 

Towards the end, it is impossible not to tear up along with Nicholas, Evan’s half-brother, who laments on not having had the chance to talk Evan out of attempting suicide. ‘It gets better’. That’s the truth. That’s all Nicholas wanted to say.  

The movie, a little over an hour and a half is a must watch and is available on YouTube. 

 

Of Courage and Cowardice

Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide and self harm

 “I’m sorry that I’m such a coward.”  

It was a WhatsApp text from a very close friend that I’m not sure was really meant to be sent, because it got deleted in a few seconds.  I was just about to question the meaning behind it, when the bell ringing distracted me. Quickly throwing my phone inside my bag, I rushed to the front bench, as a proper student would do, and forgot all about the message. 

That was two years back.

Fast forward to two days back, and I was sitting there, tears streaming down my cheeks, stuffing my face with popcorn, watching ‘A Star Is Born’.  

*Spoiler Alert*

To those of you who haven’t watched it, A Star Is Born is a musical romantic drama movie about a famous singer battling alcohol addiction (Bradley Cooper) and a young woman who also aspires to be a musician (Lady Gaga). Long story short, they fall in love, marry, and she achieves her dreams at the cost of his life. 

That’s right. Jack (Cooper) commits suicide at the end of the film, which gives Ally (Lady Gaga) the tearful motivation to pursue her ambition. 

At the end of the movie, Ally is (understandably) guilt-stricken, and feels that she is to blame for his death. 

*End of Spoiler*

I felt that it was like Beauty and the Beast with an alternate ending, what with the gradual falling in love, learning about each other, secrets kept, and all that, but the movie did get in a few points in it’s favour. Like the songs, for example. 

Though I felt that Lady Gaga’s voice didn’t really go with some of the lyrics; that she could not convey the depth of the lyrics, the soundtrack was very good, so kudos to Cooper and her. 

If asked for a review, I would give the movie a 3.0/5.0 and declare it as worth a one-time watch, just for Bradley Cooper’s charm. But we’re here to discuss more than that. 

Let’s go back to when I was 19 and naive.

Two months after that deleted WhatsApp message, I almost lost my friend to a bicycle accident, as we had everyone believe. 

My friend was rubbish at lying when it came to me, so I  managed to coax out the truth. My friend had decided to die that day, getting on a bicycle and riding down a busy road with closed eyes. 

“I’m so sorry.” Were the first words my friend said to me. 

Next came the words I had read two months prior; ‘I’m sorry that I’m such a coward.”

I found that I disagreed at that point, once I had gotten over my initial anger and shock.

I’ve always felt that suicide requires a certain amount of courage. The courage to leave your loved ones behind, the courage to give up all your hopes and dreams, and the courage to look past the potential consequences of your actions.  It is quite obvious then, that the people left behind, your near and dear ones, should require an even greater amount of courage. It is they who have to deal with the consequences of your actions, who have to choose to go on without you in their lives, and most importantly, they who should absolve themselves of blame and guilt.

One way in which you can alleviate your guilt is by identifying someone else who is going through a rough phase and helping them get over it.

Here is what you can do if you know someone who might need help:

  1. Notice the signs: Another thing that ‘A Star is Born’ got right was the signs of depression that Jack pulled off quite well. The addiction, the mood swings, the fits of anger, and the deep sorrow are all things that people suffering from depression often exhibit. Severe depression also reflects itself on the physical attributes of a person, like fatigue and insomnia. If you also notice one of these signs and see someone giving away their possessions or speaking with a sense of finality, chances are that they are about to take a bad decision.
     
  2. Speak out:  Most of those suffering from guilt, like Ally, think that maybe if they had shown enough love, it wouldn’t have happened. I used to think that, too, in the days following that incident. That’s a wrong notion, I realized, because depression is a sickness, and suicide is a decision that very sick people take. We are not all doctors, and we cannot all have cured them. Love or affection couldn’t have just changed Jack’s mind, as Bobby (Sam Elliot) tells Ally at the end of the movie.
    But if you identify someone else with depression, you can take that first step; you can talk to that person. Tell them that everything will be okay; provide constant encouragement. 
  3. Never give up:  You can convince yourself into thinking that if only you had given that smile, if only you had said those words, your loved one would have been there with you. The list of ‘If-only’ is endless, and every one of them will seem true to you at the moment of guilt. But they’re all impossible because unfortunately, every known piece of Time-Turners was smashed during the fight at the Ministry of Magic.
    On a more serious note, you can help the next person. You can help by never giving upon them. no matter how difficult that person is being, no matter how hopeless they seem. Keep talking to them; make them realize that you’re there for them. In most instances, the person would need professional help, so support them while they take that step.

The answer to the most commonly asked question, ‘What could I have done differently?’ is this: nothing. But the question, ‘What can I do now?’ has a more positive answer.

What is it that C. S. Lewis said? “You cannot go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

So reach out to those who need help; especially those who do not ask for it. 

Teach them to dance in the rain and count stars in the dark.  

Show them that self-love is the first step towards living a happy life. 

After all, as a wise man once said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light.”

-Pooja Krishna H A

A Look into Copycat Suicides

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide and Self-harm

We might have probably heard of the word ‘copycat’ for the first time in the playground. This childish word being associated with a deathly term ‘suicide’ calls for a serious understanding. To briefly explain, A person is said to attempt copycat suicide if he is influenced by the same method of suicide as a famous star/celebrity. 

Many cases of suicides could’ve been prevented with the right kind of support offered at the right time. But several psychological factors like stress or peer pressure lead people to take decisions that lead to self-harm. In addition, when a person reads about suicidal news glorified by the media, it is likely to trigger suicidal thoughts in his mind at their lowest moments. Studies suggest that the rate of suicides has increased whenever a celebrity has committed suicide.

An example of this phenomenon is that of Marilyn Monroe, who died by suicide in 1962 and the suicide attempt rate increased by 12 per cent. But in the case of the Nirvana lead singer, Kurt Cobain in 1994, the media made an effort for a restricting report and it saw a decrease in the rate and increase in the helpline calls. Another case was in 2014 when the Oscar-winning star of “Good Morning, Vietnam”, Robert Williams, died of asphyxia (suffocation) after hanging himself at his home. Following this, it was found that there was a 32 per cent increase in the number of deaths from suffocation and a doubling in the number of calls received by the suicide prevention lifeline. The research also suggested that this was mainly because media amplified the news by providing even the smallest of details. A very recent example is of the controversial Netflix series ’13 reasons why’. An analysis of internet search said that in the 19 days after the series got aired in 2017, the search for the term ‘suicide’ rose by 20 per cent. 

It is very important to understand how a person’s attitude can change after a famous star’s death. they may start considering it to be a way out of all his problems and It is unfortunate that media doesn’t take enough care to report the news with delicacy and explicit warnings. Media is one of the most powerful weapons of democracy and it also has the power to influence imitation suicides, if it doesn’t follow the laid guidelines to report suicidal news. It shouldn’t be exaggerating their deaths. It is also on our part to not get moved by such news and call the suicide prevention lifeline even if we have the slightest idea to do so. There is surely a way out of every problem. Depression is a fight that can be won with the right support and self-belief. with determination and will power. Life is full of obstacles, but no such obstacle has the power to end life. Even if we don’t get what we deserve, we must learn to stand alone and fight it out, instead of harming ourselves. Do reach out for help, there is nothing more important than your mental well-being. 

 

The Romanticization of Mental Health

I want to kill myself is pretty much the response to every slightest inconvenience that happens in a day of the life of the current generation. Talking about Mental Health to parents is still an ‘awkward’ topic for discussion and very few people attempt to even take a chance to start a dialogue about it with their parents. So, that leaves people with only a few options when it comes to looking into and searching about mental health issues, and at the top of it is social media. 

The wide social media presence of today is not a joke. Social media platforms act as tools to get to know a person’s life; their likes and dislikes, their opinions on every issue, where they are and what they’re up to at the moment. And amongst all these bombardments of information on social media platforms about friends, family, celebrities and events, over the years, the awareness with regards to mental health has also increased but has managed to give room to a lot of myths and misconceptions.

The worst of everything is that nowadays, the idea of romanticising depression, anxiety and other mental health issues is trending.

How? As humans feeling of belongingness is one of our primary needs, it is always better to be in the company of people who feel the same way as we do, to connect. But, here’s the thing. Are we sharing the stigma?

We are finding an increasing amount of content on social media, of normalising mental health issues to the point where these issues have become “slangs” and everyday words to express dramatic exasperations. And the result, the slowly accrued seriousness and awareness built up on mental health issues shatter in a second to being viewed as something normal and unimportant.

23.jpeg

We all know how important and powerful stories can be. Millions of people have found their sense of belonging and community by sharing their stories with the world, stories that others can relate to, stories that others can connect with. So, it is very important to realise that there are many who are battling mental health issues and are struggling to cope up with it and the things we carelessly put out there on social media for the world to see, can affect those who are genuinely suffering.

Even in films, the supposedly “depressed” and “brooding” character is looked at as being mysterious and attractive as their romantic interest swoop in as cheerful and oblivious people who then go on to “mend” and “fix” the said “brooding” person’s heart as they then ride into the sunset. People do not seem to realise the issue with these stories and films and content. It will only serve to silence those who are actually suffering from mental health issues as they can begin to downplay their suffering and start viewing themselves as being dramatic or worse, silence themselves because others might not take them seriously. It can begin to form a vicious mentality that mental health issues are “normal” and not something to seek help for to feel better and that these issues somehow will make them “special” to stand apart from others.

23.1

Suffering from mental health issues is not a joke and is not attractive.

It’s planning for your best friend’s surprise birthday party for a week and not wanting to leave your bed on that day. It’s in the gloomy weather when you thought you’d feel peaceful if you travelled alone away from the crowd, but end up sobbing in front of strangers solemnly because they’ll never know or ask you what your problem is. It’s when someone compliments you, tells you that you look pretty, but how you find every flaw in your body each day before you step out of your house. It’s a beautiful family dinner with all your loved ones sharing jokes, revisiting the memories, escaping busy, restless lives and just once, just once the memory of you before depression flashes and how you silently feel your heart sinking amongst the laughter, controlling your tears. It’s when you find someone you really admire, but secretly punish yourself because you know you’ll not be good enough and doubt they’ll also leave. It’s about how you tell yourself each day it’ll get better because it always does, but slowly get exhausted because of how awfully long it is. It’s the disappointment that shakes your world and opens a door of gazillion questions asking if you were ever good enough. It’s always about needing a mask but never wanting to wear it again.
23.2 PNG.PNG

I’m not trying to underestimate or belittle anyone’s feelings or experience BUT it’s very important for us to understand the level of intensity about the words you’re referring to.

1) Feeling anxious does not mean you have anxiety.

2) Feeling sad, low, dull does not mean you’re suffering from depression.

3) Not wanting to hang out with people, initiate a conversation with friends, enjoying social situations does not mean it’s social anxiety.

4) Panicking or feeling nervous does not mean you’re having a panic attack.

If you feel like you might be genuinely suffering, please do not hesitate to reach out for help and consult a professional to diagnose the condition and get better. But if not, then please do your bit to raise awareness about these issues using your social media platforms but most importantly, do your bit to stop the romanticization of mental health issues. 

 

The Depression Dish

Silhouette of depressive man

It has been one..two..three..four..five

A decade of survival

A public facade hiding the despair

Six months of struggle

Six months of rejection

An ounce of words

Replace what once was abundance

A gallon of tears

Sixty nights of fears

Nine gazillion “It’s all in your mind” hoots

Negligible pinch of hope

Oozing In drops despite the cries to gush

Scratches of gore

First on the paper with a pen

Next on the skin with mine own blood

The words struggles, the blood dries

The funeral pyre of hope witnesses my cries

Withered. Broken. Crest fallen.

No glimmer of sunshine. I sit sullen.

The last act sees the chair go down

The noose tightens, reserving the grave beside hope

The Depression Dish is now ready to serve.

Please don’t forget to garnish it with my mother’s tears.

Recognizing the warning signs of Suicide in people & helping them

 

According to the WHO, on an average, one person commits suicide every 40 seconds.

Suicide is a complex phenomenon and not an illness in and of itself. Suicidal ideas and attempts are important to look for and evaluate. Unquestionably it is hard to predict who will attempt suicide but, it is possible to characterize the risk aspects keeping in mind that it is a risk and not an absolute prediction.

Some of the common predictors of suicide are persons undergoing extreme/ acute emotional distress of any cause. This could be symptoms of depression or other psychiatric disorders, there could be acute changes in interpersonal relational status, any acute loss/ change in financial status. This is the one characteristic that is most obvious to outside observers who could be friends, family or well wishers of the individual. This is a time when all those who care for the person suffering could express their support by “Just being there”.

Hopelessness as a thought characteristic is significantly associated with suicide. This is basically a sense of there being no future for the person. This could occur in the context of again life stresses such as a breakup, financial losses. Persons experiencing hopelessness may appear listless, not interested in looking towards the future – even towards the immediate future – not wanting to go out, dejected and saying as much.

Substance abuse whether alcohol or other drugs especially increases the risk of suicide in individuals. It has the ability to impair a persons world view and make things appear more bleak than they are.

There are other risk factors that are associated with suicide attempts including a prior history of suicide attempts or self injurious behaviors, family history of suicide, exposure to suicide in a family member or significant person, and exposure to physical or sexual abuse. These factors may increase the possibility that the person experiencing distress currently is at a higher risk of harming self.

So, what can any other person do to help their loved one?

Families and friends are scared of hearing the word suicidal in the context of their loved ones. Rather than jumping to conclusion that they need to be taken to a psychiatrist/ counsellor, the easiest thing that can be done is to be there for the person in distress. This would involve just being present, letting them know that you are there to help if they need and most importantly there is someone if they want to talk.

The sense of having someone nearby who cares for them has a significantly soothing effect on individuals.

A patient, non-judgmental hearing of the persons woes before asking the question “How can I help?” will also go a long way in helping persons put their current problems in perspective. This would enable them making better choices in the form of not harming themselves. Finally before closing, it would be helpful to finish with a sense of hope in the form of saying something like “If there are problems, then there must be solutions and we can find them together”.

-Dr. Shiva Prakash

————————————————————————-

Note from the LonePack Team:

People who’re going through a tough time find it difficult to ask for help. It could be anyone from our silent classmate, to the girl we sit next to on the bus.

Can we help show our peers that the world is not devoid of hope anymore?

So reach out to them, and write them a message. LonePack will publish them all on their Facebook “Wall Of Positivity” on Sept. 10th, which marks World Suicide Prevention Day.
Send in your message and share to keep the chain of positivity going. Do join us in spreading some joy and showing some support to the people who need it.   

https://goo.gl/forms/UgJdu3q1wdf0ayhz1

So, tell me, did you spread some positivity today?

-The LonePack Team

Image Credits: flickr.com